midnight in the netherworld

chiaroscuro18

it never ceases to amaze me how the people you're counting on for support when you need them the most could easily turn into jerks.  these are the very people who tell you they'll always be there for you, and that they're just a phone call or a text away. talk is cheap. but it takes a different kind of individual to really mean what he or she says.

this afternoon  i was feeling rather low so i decided to call a friend, hoping she could cheer me up a little. big mistake. it turned out that this friend who i've known for quite some time now, and who i've been pretty close with, was only interested in being there for me in good times. i felt more depressed than ever after our conversation which i had to cut short in order for me to maintain my sanity. i would have taken uppers had i known it would turn out that way.

speed is sometimes better...

a lot better in fact... 

chiaroscuro18

some two weeks ago, i started wearing my first ever pair of eyeglasses. well, i consider them reading glasses as i don't really see any need for me to wear them when i'm not in front of the pc or reading something. the thing is, i never used to need them. it's not supposed to mean anything i guess, it's just that in one's life. there'll come a time when one has to use eyeglasses or contacts, or get a pair of false teeth or have his or her white hair weeded out with a pair of tweezers. i had a classmate in second grade who wore really thick glasses. and i had a friend in high school who used to play with his false teeth whenever the teacher was looking the other way. wearing contacts was never an option. i feel i'd never be able to get them in or out of my eyes without crushing them first or hurting my eyes. the bottom line is, wearing glasses or contacts has got nothing to do with age whatsoever.

last week, i finally got to down some bottles of beer with my younger brother sonny.we have this favorite spot in front of our balete tree where we usually have our drinks. on warm evenings, such as this one, this is the one place in the house where it's unusually cool. this is also the spot where i sip my morning cup of coffee. sonny had just recently come back from a hiking trip to bolinao with a large mountaineering group. we talked about organizing a reunion climb with some of our climbing buddies who had over the years, just drifted out of our lives. it's fortunate though that we still have the contact numbers of some of them. i'm really excited to go back to mountain climbing. i remember those years when we had a climb every three months. i miss the adventure and the camaraderie. i also miss viewing those spectacular sights. this climb is still in the drawing board though, but we are planning this sometime in november or december, just to give ample time for all of us to prepare and get back in shape. on my part, i have to do a lot of running if i'm really intent on joining this climb. i need to get rid of those unwanted pounds which i put on somewhere in the middle. in short, i have to do a lot of serious work, if you know what i mean. it's a good thing i gave up smoking a few years ago. i'm really looking forward to this climb...

chiaroscuro18

it's strange how dreams with no connection whatsoever with the real state of things, just appear in our sleep, without warning, unannounced and all. 

i woke up one morning, not sweating but kinda exhausted, from a deep sleep which was filled with a really strange dream. in it were childhood friends, ex-lovers and places which seemed unfamiliar at first but looked as though they were also part of my past. could that dream be telling me something? i've never been good at interpreting dreams, although my dreams don't really mean anything at all. but sometimes, we can't help playing sleuth (or fortune teller) and try interpreting what they mean, more so if the dream is filled with interesting characters and events.

while walking along one of the more quiet and peaceful sidestreets of shaw blvd. the other day, a friend and i chanced upon this very old and majestic looking tree standing on the side of the road. we were stunned into silence by the beauty and grandeur of this tree as we could only look, open-mouthed. its branches were spread far and wide that they covered even the other side of the road. and above the canopy of leaves and branches, we could hear a lot of birds chirping. there could probably be well over a dozen nests up there. my guess was that the tree could be over 70 years old. i've passed this street maybe a hundred times before but i never really took notice of this tree. the sad thing though was that a large part of one of the branches was broken and there were like several large holes in the main trunk of the tree, meaning it might be infested with rot if not disease. and if that tree isn't given any medical attention soon, we might lose it forever.

now that was for real...

chiaroscuro18

once again i found myself playing amidst the rooftops and those familiar alleyways which i've known my entire life. it was a glorious afternoon and i was on the highest rooftop together with some of my lifelong friends. all at once, i saw that i was alone, so i quickly slid down the rooftop and landed on the ground. there was this feeling of loneliness to be on the top alone. once on the ground,  i saw someone close to me nursing one of my friends who had been wounded in battle. the look that she gave me sent shivers down my spine. i chose to just walk away from the scene of the carnage. and as i made my way across the rock strewn path i wasn't so sure of myself anymore.

the mad dogs howled in the distance as those mediocre beings feasted on the spoils. and as the tyrants wined and dined, they couldn't help but gloat over the success of their attempt to disguise their tomfoolery. but inspite of all, they still ended up with the bag of gold in their hands. our only mistake was that we were so young and so gullible. but what they didn't know was that both their souls were already slowly burning and rotting away in hell. 

and yet someday, the local hero will walk back victorious, to the place where it all started, to the place where his fame first spread. not to be with them forever perhaps, but to bask in the limelight even for just a while, and to recall those victorious moments when he led his followers to victory.

and though the captain of the ship has long been gone, his memory lives on. and he will always be remembered.

chiaroscuro18

after some months of reflecting and self-analysis, i guess my life is finally on the right track. there's been a lot of things going on in my life lately that sometimes just staying focused is quite an achievement for me.

for the first time in three years yesterday, i got the chance to play basketball with some friends. i was so out of shape that after a few minutes of running up and down the court, i was gasping for air.

went home to marikina this afternoon and i had a eally long sleep. woke up after dark and quickly had dinner. i would have wanted to down some beers if not for the fact that i was still feeling pretty exhausted.

monday's going to be the supreme test of whether i'll be able to hack this job. my will and determination will surely be put to the test as it's going to be all uphill starting monday. maybe it also about attitude as they say it is.

let's wait and see..

chiaroscuro18

what's done is done. there's no turning back for me now. it may not have been the right ending for me nor the right time to end it, but i guess it really had to end. and the timing was a little off too.

and for sure i'd miss those beer breakfasts and lunches at watering hole and at pearl drive. for sure i'd miss a lot of those wonderful people  i had those breakfasts and lunches with. i'd miss those dawn lunches either at jollibee or mcdonald's. i'd miss the smoky room where we usually would be seated and gathered around a table, cramming for our weekly exams. i'd miss the catnaps inside the freezing sleeping quarters.

some people still don't understand, and perhaps they never will. and i see no point in explaining for it will never bring things back. we all just have to live with it and move on with our lives as we've already begun to do so. i have to consider this just a step backward in order to take two steps forward. what's good about this thing is that now i know who really are my friends. while there are some who never really cared for anything at all except for their self-centered lives.

and there are still some who would go on ego trips at the slightest sign of a threat to their non-existent leadership. these are the people who are better off shooting their mouths off inside their s**t holes. they shoudn't be allowed to go around masquerading as supervisors when in truth they couldn't provide anything at all.

there was a time in my life when i got depressed everytime it rained. this was until i met this girl who taught me to always live life to the fullest. she showed me that there is more to life than whining. i've loved the rain eversince.

chiaroscuro18

after more than two months of staying in san juan, rory and i finally went back home to marikina last week. it was like going home from home. and wonder of wonders, there even was a thunderstorm to welcome us back! the sky was pitch black and in fact, the rain was so heavy that we couldn't even step out of the car. and when we finally had mustered enough courage to venture out of the car, we got so drenched that we looked like two ducks just out of the pond. later that night, while cozying up in the room, i was treated to a fantastic display of lightning, the best that i've seen in years actually. and there was also the occasional bursts of thunder which were so loud that the room literally shook during each "explosion".

much later that night, when the storm had finally died out, a strange calm enveloped the entire subdivision. so strange indeed owing to the fact that our house is just a block off the main highway and yet we couldn't even hear the rumbling of trucks which is common during that time of the night. the whole subdivision was in total darkness due to the power outage that started at the height of the storm. the only source of light was the solitary twinkling of a star probably millions of miles away. another magical moment if you would ask me.

yesterday after work, i had the chance to share a drink with an old friend, well a lot of drinks actually. and it sure was fun reminiscing about old times and old friends. we finally parted ways, vowing to meet again soon. and for a moment or two, i thought i was teary eyed. or perhaps i was just too drunk. too drunk to even realize that i hadn't even dozed off for the last 20 hours

a friend from tabulas recently sent me a text message, the gist of which goes something like that most of us miss out on life's big prizes, like the pulitzer, the nobel, oscars, tonys, grammys, even perhaps toyms. and yet there are other small pleasures that life has to offer like a pat on the back, a good word, a hug, a full moon, a glorious sunset, an empty parking space, a great meal, a good joke, a hot soup, a cold drink, an ice cream and a thank you. i could even add my own list of simple pleasures like watching a concert, coffee with an old friend, a candlelit dinner, midnight walks on the beach or just around the block, a morning drizzle, hearing your favorite song on the radio, the list goes on... what is ironic is that most of us fail to appreciate these simple pleasures. we whine to the world when things don't go our way. what we don't realize is that there are a lot of others who are less fortunate than us, others who would give their life just to sample a taste of these small rewards. and yet these are the same people who never whine even though they have never been treated fairly in life. these are the people who just go on in their daily struggles in life, thankful that they have survived another thankless day, prolonging their agony in the process. indeed we have a lot to be thankful for, inspite of all our problems.